True or false?

Hello World!!!

After a blog writing hiatus (I needed it), I am back baby! So to get this party started right, I thought I would write about a subject sure to get a few comments…That’s right, I’m talking about sex…I’ve been hesitant to discuss this topic because of its very personal nature, and trust I won’t be revealing much about myself here…but inevitably, I knew I had to bring it up…so here goes…

If you’ve attended church for at least a month, you are pleasantly surprised to know that you can contact the God who rules this universe by simply praying. It’s a definite perk of being a Christian. And if you’ve been introduced to a few scriptures particularly those in Psalm, you know that God promises to take care of those who take the time to honor Him and seek His guidance – undeniably a benefit of being a Christian. And if you are at the right church, you discover that you can meet some really good people who can be “God with skin on” when you really need to hear from God through human voices…There are countless benefits to being a Christian!

But there a few edicts that come with being a Christian that frankly aren’t that appealing…one of those is premarital sex…Apparently, if you are married, you have a license to “get ur freak on,” but if you are single, you must “flee fornication. ” (I Corinthians 6:18 if you are interested…) I started hearing about all of the many verses in the Bible that discourage premarital sex when I was a teenager…At that point, it’s all good…You are still a little scared of boys anyway…Well, let me speak for me…As a teenager, I was not ready for sex…I knew I had all sorts of strange feelings when I looked at boys I considered fine, but the idea of having sex with them was certainly farther than I wanted to go…

Where these Biblical principles get tricky is when you are fully grown and you know what to do about it…Y’all know what I mean, right? It just ain’t cute anymore when you hit 30 years old, but it clearly states in God’s word, if you love Him, you will keep his commandments…(John 14:15)…So what are single Christian women and men of a certain age supposed to do when we are no longer “never scared” when it comes to sex…Being the bibliophile that I am, you know I’ve read numerous books about the topic…the most recent book I’ve read is “Real Sex: The Naked Truth About Chastity” by Lauren F. Winner. She makes a lot of good points about why it’s wise to wait…

I may bring up some points from her book as I write this post, but let me bring up a few reasons I think that premarital sex may not be the way to go with or without the Bible verses…By most studies, women and men are getting married later in life as time progresses…Chances are most people have dated quite a few people by the time they finally do get married…so the potential to have had several sexual partners in a lifetime is quite possible…I just have to think that eventually could be draining mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually over time…Maybe for men that would not be as much of  a factor, but from the women I know, every time you get involved with a man fully and it’s not your husband, a little piece of you dies…And it’s hard to be optimistic about dating over the long haul when you invest so much only to get back so little… ( I don’t care what the women in Sex and the City say…)

And while I believe in women’s liberation and all, we know that there are double standards in what is appropriate sexual behavior when it comes to women and men that cannot be denied…when you have sex with a man who is not emotionally invested in you, no matter what comes out of his mouth, he is not feelin’ you the same way you could be feelin’ him…A man recently told me that if he has sex with a woman he is not into, her whole house can go up in flames with her in it the moment he is done having sex with her, and he frankly wouldn’t care…That’s straight harsh, but it’s something to think about…And we all know that it takes a while for a man to get emotionally attached to a woman – typically much much longer than it takes a woman…And because men are hunters, we gotta respect the natural order of things…men respect what they have to wait for…if you just give him  ”hot sex on a platter” if takes away from the hunt…

Since I’m a black woman, I have to speak from that perspective…I think much of our issues in the black community can be traced back to our loosening values when it comes to premarital sex…In a conversation I had last night with a fine man (yes, I’m talking about you ), I told him that if all single black women in the A decided to stop having sex unless they are married, there would be some real and quantifiable results. Let’s say that today, Sunday, October 18, 2009, women declared on the steps of the Fulton County Courthouse that there would be no sex without a ring…A year from today, I guarantee the marriage rate – whatever it is – would double…Women may be able to go without sex for a long, long while, but most men cannot go without sex for the same length of time…And the people who got married would be more likely to have long-lasting marriages as women and men would make choices that wouldn’t be as dependant on sexual attraction…As it stands now, when you tell a man that you are a celibate, he may stick around if really wants to be there, but he has many, many options if he suddenly decides he can’t take it anymore…

There would be no children born outside of wedlock…Yes, it’s possible to raise a healthy child as a single parent…I’ve seen it many times, but I think most single parents would rather raise their children as a two-parent household…Goodness gracious, I cannot even fathom all the changes that could come as a result of children being raised by two parents rather than one…We’ve all heard of some of the issues that children deal with when they are missing their mothers or fathers…More men would know how to be or even want to be real men because they would have seen it growing up…More women would make better choices about men because they were raised with their fathers…Poverty would decline as many single parents are poor…The jails would be less full because people would be more likely to learn responsible behavior because both parents were in their lives and were able to devote full attention to them…I know I’m skipping over a few things, but just consider what the ramifications could possibly be…

Who knows where sexually transmitted diseases come from, but I guarantee there would be less of them if people refused to engage in premarital sex…I don’t know all of the stats, but I think I’ve heard there are hundreds of STDs although only a few of them are well known – obviously HIV, HPV, herpes, etc.

Any thoughts?

P.S. Yes, I know that one of the effects of this edict would be that the premium would go up on prostitutes…that’s another topic for another day…

P.P.S. And maybe the music about sex would get better too…Although everyone seems to be having sex nowadays – married or not – no one can really sing about sex like the old school singers…I remember the first time I saw the video for Marvin Gaye’s “Sexual Healing.” I think I was six years old…I didn’t know what sexual healing was, but I was sure it was good…

Hello World!!!

It’s still my birthday month! Yeah, my b-day was Labor Day this year, Sept. 7, and I’m still accepting gifts LOL . 

But that is not the reason for this post….If you’ve read my blog over this past year (yes, it was ago Sept. 2 that I created this blog with the help of my friend Tess Gadwa), you know that one of my favorite topics to wax creatively on is relationships. But as I’ve known since the ninth grade, sometimes you just want out or sometimes someone else makes that decision for you. Yes, that’s right I’m talking about breaking up…It’s hard to do sometimes, but it’s a fact of life without question. I remember the first time I broke up or rather was forced to break up with someone. (As I write this, I wonder if I have shared this story before as I’ve been blogging for a year now.)

As a ninth grader, Imani, who was a grade ahead of me, was my first official boyfriend. He was great. He was smart and cute – a chocolate drop with wavy hair. And his wardrobe was the business. He used to wear the fresh jogging suits with the matching sneaks. And wonder of wonders, he liked me. He walked me to my classes. He bought me stuffed animals. He wrote love letters to me. He called me almost every night. (Now that I’m well into my ’30s – 36 no less , I realize how unique he truly was…) I couldn’t date yet, but he was diggin’ me anyway for nearly three months until almost suddenly he wasn’t…And I was crushed…I couldn’t figure out how someone who was obviously into me just wasn’t anymore…aaah, such is life, such is life.

We had a fairly civil breakup in that we talked about it and then went on our way. That was very mature of us at the time…but sometimes the breakup is anything but mature…I admit I’ve been guilty of the immature breakup. In college, I, to my friends’ delight, coined the term the “slow diss.” Sometimes, I just didn’t have the courage to tell a guy I wasn’t into him anymore. So I slowly disengaged myself – getting off of the phone very quickly, not calling back, not accepting invitations for dates and on and on – until the relationship died by slow starvation…sad but true….Sounds mean, huh? But trust and believe, what goes around comes around and it has certainly been done to me…On one of my favorite shows (as you know by now) “Sex and the City,” Jack Berger broke up with Carrie by a Post-it!  on which he wrote, “I’m sorry. I can’t. Don’t hate me.” After such a stunt, of course he would be hated.

So what is the best way to breakup? Is it best to meet and discuss things face to face or does a simple or not so simple phone conversation suffice? Didn’t some athlete in New York recently break up with his fiancee by text…now, that’s bout it…and mean…And once the relationship is kaput, what’s the best way to get over somebody? I remember my best friend in the eighth grade told me the best way to get over a guy is to think of all the things you don’t like about him any ole way. Wise for her young age at the time for sure! That principle still works! A friend in college told me the best way to get over one guy is to get another aka the rebound dude. That can work too — although in my ’30s, I became fond of taking six-month breaks after dating a guy.

A friend of mine a few years ago gave me an invaluable article that I have often used to navigate my way through a breakup. “The Four Stages of Grief aka How Much Longer Until I Feel Good Again” is the best the article I’ve read on breaking up and getting over it! But another one of my favorite ways to get over a dude is listen to breakup songs. If it hasn’t been done before, somebody needs to make an album of the best breakup songs. Well, below is my soundtrack for breakups.

1. “Blame It On Me” by Chrisette Michele – this has got to be the most popular breakup song this year…This young girl has obviously known heartbreak…it oozes out in this song…
2. “Let It Flow” by Toni Braxton – once I started playing this song in college, I knew it was a wrap…I was done with you and you’d better be on your way…
3. “Don’t Speak” by No Doubt – as much as I love to talk, sometimes there are no words we need to say except that “it is over…”
4. “Hit the Road Jack” by Ray Charles – “Margie” in the movie Ray sang that song with all of the venom that a breakup sometimes involves…
5. “Not Gon’ Cry” by Mary J. Blige – I’m glad that Mary is doing “Just Fine” nowadays, but she know she can tear up a breakup song…I was your lover and your secretary, and you still did me wrong…
6. “Irreplaceable” by Beyonce – Trust, you ain’t the only one where that came from…
7. “It Ain’t Me Babe” by Joaquin Phoenix & Reese Witherspoon – I know these actors recorded this song for the movie “Walk the Line” about Johnny Cash and June Carter Cash, but they put their foot in this song. It is a classic “it’s not you, it’s me” breakup song…And it ain’t nothin’ like a country song to get you through…
8. “I Will Survive” by Gloria Gaynor – I’ma be alright…I WILL SURVIVE!
9. “Show Me Love” by Robin S. – Who is this chick? I don’t know, but whenever I hear this song, my arms immediately move over my head…I’m tired of giving my love and getting nowhwere…sang it girl!
10. “Call Tyrone” by Erykah Badu – This song really works when you’ve been dealing with a dude that is straight trife…Man, get outta my face…you ain never bought me nothin’ no way…

So what songs are on your breakup soundtrack?  How do you get over someone? What’s the worst way you’ve ever broken up with someone? Has it come back to haunt you?

Any thoughts?

Hello World!!!

Me on Carrie's stoop (I know. I'm such a tourist...)

One of my goals on this blog is to ignite a serious and contemplative discussion about the deeper issues of faith and spirituality…today, I will not be achieving that goal…today I want to write about something fun…

If you have not heard before, guess what y’all?  There will be a “Sex and the City 2!!!” Can you believe it? According to an article I read on msnbc.com, shooting for the movie will begin soon, and the movie will be released in 2010. Goody, goody !!! (clapping hands in exultation) My girls and I are big fans of the show and saw the movie on the first night it opened just over a year ago. In fact, I am such a huge fan that I have the “Sex and the City” board game, and I went on the “Sex and the City” tour in NYC  in 2006.

What do I love about the show? I think I read or heard somewhere that the creators of the show see it as their personal love letter to single women everywhere. And if you have been single for a while you know that single women appreciate the love. It is a challenge to live the single life particularly when the world around you is coupled up and preaches the mantra that “two is better than one.” It’s even in the Bible.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 (New International Version)

 

 ⁹ Two are better than one,
       because they have a good return for their work:

 ¹⁰ If one falls down,
       his friend can help him up.
       But pity the man who falls
       and has no one to help him up!

Kinda slick how I managed to slip in some Bible verses in a post about “Sex and the City” huh? But watching the show makes me feel like singledom is celebrated and appreciated in spite of the inevitable misadventures, mishaps and minefields. Plus, the show is hilarious. Remember all of the crazy guys those girls dated. Now, I know that some criticize the show because the women jump in and out of beds throughout the city ergo the title ”Sex and the City” but the show still managed to intelligently illuminate the issues that single people face. 

Me and the tour guide

With all of that said, I watched the movie in its entirety again on Saturday. And as I watched the movie again (I’ve probably seen it 3 or 4 times now), I was reminded of the one criticism of the movie that all of my girls agreed on – Jennifer Hudson’s character “Louise.” I heard that in an effort to appeal to the black fan base of the show, the movie writers decided to inject a black character. But my friends thought that with her use of Ebonics and her penchant for renting not buying designer purses, Louise was more of an insult instead of a compliment to black fans. As I watched the movie again, I didn’t necessarily think her character was offensive, but her character did seem to bit contrived. For those of you who saw the movie, what do you think?

Apparently, there was open casting call for extras for the movie yesterday in the NYC. I wonder if any black actors and actresses will be chosen. I also wonder if any black characters will be included in the sequel of the “Sex and the City” movie. If so, I hope the writers manage to make the character  or characters seem more natural like Blair Underwood’s character in the show. Remember his relationship with Miranda? In a word, “steamy.” (I actually met Blair in 1994 in Boston. Fine as wine for real…) It is plausible that one of the characters could fall for someone as fine as Blair…

Truth be told, I don’t necessarily mind that that there are no black characters front and center in the show. I’m fairly political and all, but I don’t think Rev. Al should be called just because of this fact. I enjoy the show and think it’s well written. However, if black characters will be front and center in this movie, I think these characters should be plausible. So in case the writers for the movie happen to come across this blog, what are your suggestions for a new black character?

I think her name should be “Jackie.” Jackie is a powerful and sassy name, and we all know many black women who are powerful and sassy. Since Samantha is the only one of the girls who ends up not being in a stable relationship at the end of the first movie, I think Jackie should be a friend of hers. I think Samantha and Jackie should become friends as the rest of the girls won’t have as much time to hang. She should be a PR guru as Samantha is and a part of her network. I think Jackie, who is in political PR,  and Samantha should work as a team to improve the image of a New York politician who is found to be soliciting prostitutes behind his wife’s back. Sound familiar?  With Jackie’s knowledge of politics and Samantha’s expertise with the sexual appetites of men, the team “save the day.” Ha, ha!  And maybe Samantha ends up falling for the politician. (My imagination is working overtime this morning…)

So what do you hope will happen in the sequel? Does a sequel even need to be made? Do you think the movie should have black characters?

Yes, I saved the booklet from the tour...

Any thoughts?

P.S. Jennifer Hudson’s character may have not been the best in the movie, but she blessed that soundtrack. I hope they include her voice in the new soundtrack.

Hello World!!!

Although it’s Friday the 13th, I’m claiming that this day will be a beautiful prelude to the best Valentine’s Day ever…Can’t nobody love me like Jesus, but the love of a good man is what I am focusing on today…

I know this verse has been used on countless wedding programs, but I still love it so I will include it here…

His mouth is sweetness itself; 
he is altogether lovely. 
This is my lover, this my friend, 
O daughters of Jerusalem.

Song of Solomon 5:16

Here’s hoping all of us will indulge in a little sweetness tomorrow!!! Also, in honor of Valentine’s Day, I have decided to list my top 14 love songs…keep in mind that I’m pretty fickle, and this list changes pretty frequently…but this is what I’m feeling today in no particular order…

1. “Look What I’ve Got” by Betty Carter – I fell in love with this song when I first heard Carter sing it on an episode of “The Cosby Show.” Remember that episode when Vanessa and her girls wanted to form a singing group…Classic!

2. “I Like The Way (Kissing Game)” by Hi-Five – This song makes me think of 1991 when I was still in high school. Young love, young love…R.I.P. Tony Thompson! We love you!

3. “A Love Supreme” by John Coltrane – In the liner notes, Coltrane discusses his love for God, which is the true LOVE SUPREME, but I think the song is still a really cool romantic song…

4. “The Sweetest Thing” by Lauryn Hill – My girl may or may not be crazy, but she is still the dopest singer of my generation – hands down! I probably need to start praying for her again…

5. “I Like” by Guy- Nikki D. and I LOVE this song…It reminds of us of the day that we skipped high school and rode all through the A in a jeep with the top down…simple pleasures….good times, good times…

6. “Let It Flow” by Toni Braxton – Yeah, it’s a song about love gone bad, but we all know what Frankie Beverly has said is true…Joy and Pain are one in the same …

7. “Adore” by Prince – I know that Prince is out there, but he is still a sexy little man…Can’t nobody even compare…

8. “Scandalous” by Prince – This song is like butta baby…

9. “When 2 Are In Love” by Prince – Pure genius…

10.  “By Your Side” by Sade – When Samantha dances with that devil Richard on the roof of his penthouse as this song plays, I just melt…Oh yeah, I’m talking about one of my favorite shows ever, “Sex and the City.”

11. “At Last” by Etta James – Ms. Etta knows she was wrong for going off on Beyonce like that, but in a strange way, I understand…that’s her signature song…at least someone could have asked her first if she wanted to sing the song…

12. “A Sunday Kind of Love” by Etta James – People sleep on this song…This is what I want truly…someone I can go to church with and go home with and make it “do what it do…”

13. “A Song For You” by Donny Hathway – Although I love this song, somehow it always makes me a little sad for some reason…maybe because of Hathaway’s tragic and mysterious death…

14. “Could You Be Loved” by Bob Marley…Ain’t nothin’ like an island romance, and this song was on the soundtrack of my Island Romance ‘97….

I have decided to include the video for “I Like The Way (Kissing Game)” by Hi-Five…It reminds me of when life was uncomplicated, and I need to remind myself of that today…Happy Valentine’s Day!

Hello World!!!

Aside from reading Charlayne Hunter-Gault’s memoir, I also carved some time out of my vacation to finally read Sex and the City by Candace Bushnell. While I devoured the hit show when it was on HBO, and I now savor the reruns, I had never read the actual book that inspired the groundbreaking show before a few weeks ago.

In the Introduction, Bushnell said the book’s central theme is the answer to this question – Why Are We Still Single?  This is her answer – “Now, with a few years’ perspective on this issue, I can safely conclude that we are single because we want to be.”

Wow! Since reading that statement, I have been digesting what that means to me and my other still single girlfriends. Just before I read the book, maybe a few days before even, the church pianist came up to me after church one Sunday and said something like, “When are you getting married? I’m trying to hold on so I can play at your wedding.” A guy who was nearby said, “I’ve asked her out, but she won’t go out with me.” The church pianist then said, “Oh, she’d be married by now if she wanted to be.” And my dear old Dad has pointed out to me recently that I have made ambivalent statements about being shackled..er…hitched.

So what am I saying? Gather any group of 30ish women for more than 20 minutes and the conversation will eventually shift toward a discussion about relationships. My girlfriends and I are no different. Since we crossed the 30-year-old threshold, we have discussed relationships with a urgency that wasn’t present a decade earlier. It’s not that we define ourselves singularly by our romantic relationships, but having a rich and rewarding partnership with a significant other is important. A 40ish, single friend of mine said a lot of it is biological; she has assured me that if I reach my 40s without being married, that desire will not be as strong. To that I say maybe so, but I’m not there yet.

But even as we desire to floss that rock, bag a husband and retire to the burbs, I wonder if some of us are really ambivalent about the whole thing. To that end, I have compiled a list of 10 actions that may prove that you are secretly ambivalent about the husband hunt.  As they say, “actions do speak louder than words.” These are in no particular order. Also, I will not disclose the actions I have taken…hey you gotta keep something to yourself.

1. You live in the A. Some of my friends are seriously considering moving to another city because they believe that the wealth of women in the city prevent the menfolk from having class in dating in general or from having to make any real commitments. Asking a girl over to your home for a 1 a.m. drink is not anyone’s idea of a romantic first date. Trust me, it’s all downhill from there…

2. You date bad boys and try to make them into church-going deacons. If you met a dude in the club, it’s possible that you can get him to go to church with you. (Hey, I’ve been known to stumble in at daylight Sunday morning, nod off for a hours, and head back out to the mid-morning church service.) But if you make this a habit, this action says more about you than it does about the guy. Marinate on this for a minute…

3. You date self-professed, commitment-phobes. Hmm, I’ve come to believe that if someone tells who he is, you’d be smart to believe him.

4. You constantly date guys that live out of state. What’s up with that? Is it because there are no good guys around or are you somehow unavailable at a deeper level?

5. You run from guys that like you, but chase after the ones that don’t want to be caught. The “thrill of the chase” really sucks…

6. You have a long list of requirements that no one, save Barack Obama (hey Michelle already got that on lock), can measure up to. “Something New” is a good movie about throwing your so-called requirements out the window and actually accepting what you need rather than what you think you want in a man.

7. You blame your dating history on your dating partners rather than occasionally looking at your side of the street. They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results. Get a grip. Sometimes, YOU are the problem.

8. You’re desperate. Yeah, I want to get married some day, but I enjoy my own company. I mean, chill.

9. You’re mean. I really think that like attracts like. In my humble opinion, if you manage to be loving to all people whether it be the guy that keeps offering to wash your windshield at a downtown intersection to your backbiting co-worker, then I believe that you will attract love – romantic and otherwise.

10. You forget to pray. If you’re a Christian, this means that you have to have a dialogue with God about what His will is for your life. It may or may not include a husband. Them’s the breaks.

Hey, I’m no counselor or therapist, but I think I could be right here. What do you think?

Any thoughts?

P.S.  This is 10.5. You date a guy simply because he looks like Tupac. You rationalize that he will eventually get a house, a car and a clue…Hey at 25, this is fun…at 35, not so much…:)

P.P.S. Guys please comment!!!

Hello World!!!

Okay, since I started this blog earlier this month, I have tried to set a schedule of posting once a day on Sunday and Wednesday. I have already posted once for today, but after finding this tidbit on the AJC newspaper Web site,  I had to post again! (Okay, I’m thinking I need to somehow be on the AJC payroll.)

Anywho, guess what?…I can’t hear you! Oh yeah, that’s right, you’re reading this…Okay, I hope that was funny. (Probably not.) So aight already, here’s the news. Candace Bushnell, my patron saint of single girl angst, is writing a pair of novels about Carrie, a la “Sex and the City,” as a teenager!  The new books will be called “The Carrie Diaries.” (I know this is not a religious topic, but I am a religious fan…)

The first book will debut in 2010!!! This conjures up fond memories of one of my fave childhood books, “Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret?” by Judy Blume!

Do you think these books will be a hit! Can y’all see Carrie as a teenager? I’m willing to buy them when they come out! Goody, goody!!!

Any thoughts?