True or false?

Hello World!!!

After a blog writing hiatus (I needed it), I am back baby! So to get this party started right, I thought I would write about a subject sure to get a few comments…That’s right, I’m talking about sex…I’ve been hesitant to discuss this topic because of its very personal nature, and trust I won’t be revealing much about myself here…but inevitably, I knew I had to bring it up…so here goes…

If you’ve attended church for at least a month, you are pleasantly surprised to know that you can contact the God who rules this universe by simply praying. It’s a definite perk of being a Christian. And if you’ve been introduced to a few scriptures particularly those in Psalm, you know that God promises to take care of those who take the time to honor Him and seek His guidance – undeniably a benefit of being a Christian. And if you are at the right church, you discover that you can meet some really good people who can be “God with skin on” when you really need to hear from God through human voices…There are countless benefits to being a Christian!

But there a few edicts that come with being a Christian that frankly aren’t that appealing…one of those is premarital sex…Apparently, if you are married, you have a license to “get ur freak on,” but if you are single, you must “flee fornication. ” (I Corinthians 6:18 if you are interested…) I started hearing about all of the many verses in the Bible that discourage premarital sex when I was a teenager…At that point, it’s all good…You are still a little scared of boys anyway…Well, let me speak for me…As a teenager, I was not ready for sex…I knew I had all sorts of strange feelings when I looked at boys I considered fine, but the idea of having sex with them was certainly farther than I wanted to go…

Where these Biblical principles get tricky is when you are fully grown and you know what to do about it…Y’all know what I mean, right? It just ain’t cute anymore when you hit 30 years old, but it clearly states in God’s word, if you love Him, you will keep his commandments…(John 14:15)…So what are single Christian women and men of a certain age supposed to do when we are no longer “never scared” when it comes to sex…Being the bibliophile that I am, you know I’ve read numerous books about the topic…the most recent book I’ve read is “Real Sex: The Naked Truth About Chastity” by Lauren F. Winner. She makes a lot of good points about why it’s wise to wait…

I may bring up some points from her book as I write this post, but let me bring up a few reasons I think that premarital sex may not be the way to go with or without the Bible verses…By most studies, women and men are getting married later in life as time progresses…Chances are most people have dated quite a few people by the time they finally do get married…so the potential to have had several sexual partners in a lifetime is quite possible…I just have to think that eventually could be draining mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually over time…Maybe for men that would not be as much of  a factor, but from the women I know, every time you get involved with a man fully and it’s not your husband, a little piece of you dies…And it’s hard to be optimistic about dating over the long haul when you invest so much only to get back so little… ( I don’t care what the women in Sex and the City say…)

And while I believe in women’s liberation and all, we know that there are double standards in what is appropriate sexual behavior when it comes to women and men that cannot be denied…when you have sex with a man who is not emotionally invested in you, no matter what comes out of his mouth, he is not feelin’ you the same way you could be feelin’ him…A man recently told me that if he has sex with a woman he is not into, her whole house can go up in flames with her in it the moment he is done having sex with her, and he frankly wouldn’t care…That’s straight harsh, but it’s something to think about…And we all know that it takes a while for a man to get emotionally attached to a woman – typically much much longer than it takes a woman…And because men are hunters, we gotta respect the natural order of things…men respect what they have to wait for…if you just give him  ”hot sex on a platter” if takes away from the hunt…

Since I’m a black woman, I have to speak from that perspective…I think much of our issues in the black community can be traced back to our loosening values when it comes to premarital sex…In a conversation I had last night with a fine man (yes, I’m talking about you ), I told him that if all single black women in the A decided to stop having sex unless they are married, there would be some real and quantifiable results. Let’s say that today, Sunday, October 18, 2009, women declared on the steps of the Fulton County Courthouse that there would be no sex without a ring…A year from today, I guarantee the marriage rate – whatever it is – would double…Women may be able to go without sex for a long, long while, but most men cannot go without sex for the same length of time…And the people who got married would be more likely to have long-lasting marriages as women and men would make choices that wouldn’t be as dependant on sexual attraction…As it stands now, when you tell a man that you are a celibate, he may stick around if really wants to be there, but he has many, many options if he suddenly decides he can’t take it anymore…

There would be no children born outside of wedlock…Yes, it’s possible to raise a healthy child as a single parent…I’ve seen it many times, but I think most single parents would rather raise their children as a two-parent household…Goodness gracious, I cannot even fathom all the changes that could come as a result of children being raised by two parents rather than one…We’ve all heard of some of the issues that children deal with when they are missing their mothers or fathers…More men would know how to be or even want to be real men because they would have seen it growing up…More women would make better choices about men because they were raised with their fathers…Poverty would decline as many single parents are poor…The jails would be less full because people would be more likely to learn responsible behavior because both parents were in their lives and were able to devote full attention to them…I know I’m skipping over a few things, but just consider what the ramifications could possibly be…

Who knows where sexually transmitted diseases come from, but I guarantee there would be less of them if people refused to engage in premarital sex…I don’t know all of the stats, but I think I’ve heard there are hundreds of STDs although only a few of them are well known – obviously HIV, HPV, herpes, etc.

Any thoughts?

P.S. Yes, I know that one of the effects of this edict would be that the premium would go up on prostitutes…that’s another topic for another day…

P.P.S. And maybe the music about sex would get better too…Although everyone seems to be having sex nowadays – married or not – no one can really sing about sex like the old school singers…I remember the first time I saw the video for Marvin Gaye’s “Sexual Healing.” I think I was six years old…I didn’t know what sexual healing was, but I was sure it was good…

Hello World!!!

It’s still my birthday month! Yeah, my b-day was Labor Day this year, Sept. 7, and I’m still accepting gifts LOL . 

But that is not the reason for this post….If you’ve read my blog over this past year (yes, it was ago Sept. 2 that I created this blog with the help of my friend Tess Gadwa), you know that one of my favorite topics to wax creatively on is relationships. But as I’ve known since the ninth grade, sometimes you just want out or sometimes someone else makes that decision for you. Yes, that’s right I’m talking about breaking up…It’s hard to do sometimes, but it’s a fact of life without question. I remember the first time I broke up or rather was forced to break up with someone. (As I write this, I wonder if I have shared this story before as I’ve been blogging for a year now.)

As a ninth grader, Imani, who was a grade ahead of me, was my first official boyfriend. He was great. He was smart and cute – a chocolate drop with wavy hair. And his wardrobe was the business. He used to wear the fresh jogging suits with the matching sneaks. And wonder of wonders, he liked me. He walked me to my classes. He bought me stuffed animals. He wrote love letters to me. He called me almost every night. (Now that I’m well into my ’30s – 36 no less , I realize how unique he truly was…) I couldn’t date yet, but he was diggin’ me anyway for nearly three months until almost suddenly he wasn’t…And I was crushed…I couldn’t figure out how someone who was obviously into me just wasn’t anymore…aaah, such is life, such is life.

We had a fairly civil breakup in that we talked about it and then went on our way. That was very mature of us at the time…but sometimes the breakup is anything but mature…I admit I’ve been guilty of the immature breakup. In college, I, to my friends’ delight, coined the term the “slow diss.” Sometimes, I just didn’t have the courage to tell a guy I wasn’t into him anymore. So I slowly disengaged myself – getting off of the phone very quickly, not calling back, not accepting invitations for dates and on and on – until the relationship died by slow starvation…sad but true….Sounds mean, huh? But trust and believe, what goes around comes around and it has certainly been done to me…On one of my favorite shows (as you know by now) “Sex and the City,” Jack Berger broke up with Carrie by a Post-it!  on which he wrote, “I’m sorry. I can’t. Don’t hate me.” After such a stunt, of course he would be hated.

So what is the best way to breakup? Is it best to meet and discuss things face to face or does a simple or not so simple phone conversation suffice? Didn’t some athlete in New York recently break up with his fiancee by text…now, that’s bout it…and mean…And once the relationship is kaput, what’s the best way to get over somebody? I remember my best friend in the eighth grade told me the best way to get over a guy is to think of all the things you don’t like about him any ole way. Wise for her young age at the time for sure! That principle still works! A friend in college told me the best way to get over one guy is to get another aka the rebound dude. That can work too — although in my ’30s, I became fond of taking six-month breaks after dating a guy.

A friend of mine a few years ago gave me an invaluable article that I have often used to navigate my way through a breakup. “The Four Stages of Grief aka How Much Longer Until I Feel Good Again” is the best the article I’ve read on breaking up and getting over it! But another one of my favorite ways to get over a dude is listen to breakup songs. If it hasn’t been done before, somebody needs to make an album of the best breakup songs. Well, below is my soundtrack for breakups.

1. “Blame It On Me” by Chrisette Michele – this has got to be the most popular breakup song this year…This young girl has obviously known heartbreak…it oozes out in this song…
2. “Let It Flow” by Toni Braxton – once I started playing this song in college, I knew it was a wrap…I was done with you and you’d better be on your way…
3. “Don’t Speak” by No Doubt – as much as I love to talk, sometimes there are no words we need to say except that “it is over…”
4. “Hit the Road Jack” by Ray Charles – “Margie” in the movie Ray sang that song with all of the venom that a breakup sometimes involves…
5. “Not Gon’ Cry” by Mary J. Blige – I’m glad that Mary is doing “Just Fine” nowadays, but she know she can tear up a breakup song…I was your lover and your secretary, and you still did me wrong…
6. “Irreplaceable” by Beyonce – Trust, you ain’t the only one where that came from…
7. “It Ain’t Me Babe” by Joaquin Phoenix & Reese Witherspoon – I know these actors recorded this song for the movie “Walk the Line” about Johnny Cash and June Carter Cash, but they put their foot in this song. It is a classic “it’s not you, it’s me” breakup song…And it ain’t nothin’ like a country song to get you through…
8. “I Will Survive” by Gloria Gaynor – I’ma be alright…I WILL SURVIVE!
9. “Show Me Love” by Robin S. – Who is this chick? I don’t know, but whenever I hear this song, my arms immediately move over my head…I’m tired of giving my love and getting nowhwere…sang it girl!
10. “Call Tyrone” by Erykah Badu – This song really works when you’ve been dealing with a dude that is straight trife…Man, get outta my face…you ain never bought me nothin’ no way…

So what songs are on your breakup soundtrack?  How do you get over someone? What’s the worst way you’ve ever broken up with someone? Has it come back to haunt you?

Any thoughts?

Hello World!!!

Guess what y’all?! It’s my second installment of “Your Turn,” through which people with interesting insights and views post THEIR stories on my blog…I’ve had this post for over a month now and because of my busy schedule and good ole-fashioned procrastination, I neglected to get this post up…Sooo here goes…Calling all virgins out there? Can you hear me? Raise your hands if you are a virgin! I can’t see anybody of course as I’m sitting at my computer, but I imagine there are very few virgins out there past the age of 22 or so…And if you are a Christian and have been since you were a teenager, you are supposed to be one according to the Bible’s views on premarital sex…But as someone who grew up in the church and have known others who have grown up in the church, I know there are very few out there…

But I do know One…And on the condition of anonymity, I convinced him to share his views on being a virgin well into his adulthood…and for the record, he’s not an ogre…he’s actually quite handsome, but I will let him tell you all about it in his own words…

 She was a walking rap video, with proportions so ideal that they seemed surreal. A living and breathing fantasy, her slim waist, curvaceous hips and perfect planetary backside made me shake my head each time I looked her way…

“Concentrate on her eyes…,” I reminded myself as she lay beside me, attentively waiting for the announcement that I promised to make. “Uhhh,” I uttered as I cleared my throat.

“When…when I was 13 years old, that’s when I became a Christian…”

“Yes,” she said, interrupting my words.

“And…,” I continued. “Well, that’s when I made certain promises to GOD to not get high or drunk and to not have sex until I was married.”

She laughed. “I made those promises too…“

“Yeah,” I said as I looked her squarely in the eyes. “But I haven’t broken any of them.”

Silence.

“Wait, so you’re saying…Are you saying you’re a virgin?”

I was 30 years old then…I’ve had this conversation with so many women, both churchgoing and otherwise, and the reaction is always some kind of meltdown. It makes me reluctant to share it anymore. A few years ago, I wouldn’t have thought twice about specifically identifying myself publicly as a virgin, but the older I get, the more it complicates my relationships with people. People who aren’t Christians don’t understand. But I wouldn’t expect them to..

Church folk, on the other hand,..well, they say they believe this is right. But let them find out you’re a virgin in his 30s and they act like something is wrong with you. They either act like you’re the guy from “The 40 Year Old Virgin” movie or you’re just a freak – like you can’t choose to not have sex. In their minds, only two options exist: You either have to be a lame or a misfit.

Virginity is, of course, a complicated issue. I understand that. But I know a few other Christian men who are virgins (older than I am), and they’ve stopped telling church folk altogether…

These days, I often let people think I’m a lothario, as that’s generally what they assume anyway because of my ease with women. The only people who know that I’m a virgin are the women I date –and even they don’t know right away.

And it’s all because of these crazy reactions…For a while, because women in the church were so averse to this news, I tried dating women who didn’t go to church…

I think of the girl who fell to her knees, naked, crying. “What’s wrong with you,” she said as the tears flowed. “Why won’t you $%*@ me?” Or the stripper who found that she was aroused by a “dominant virgin” fantasy when she found that out that she couldn’t punk me.

And then when I did date church women, the response wasn’t that much better…They said they agreed with me on this matter but attempted to tempt me by degrees: “We don’t have to do anything. Just take your pants off…”

I reflect upon these experiences: all the women I’ve loved, all the women I’ve tenderly kissed and all the women I’ve just “made out” with…And somehow, I wonder what it all means…What does it mean that these women have passed through my life? What does it mean that women have learned to equate their worth and sense of power with their ability to grant or deny sex?

At times, I feel very alone in this journey. Occasionally, I feel disappointed in GOD. I wanted to be married by now. I did not expect to be alienated by church folk for obeying what they taught me. And more than that, if GOD wanted me to preserve myself sexually, then why does sexual energy come so easily to me? Why do I love women’s bodies so much? Why do I know how to kiss a women’s neck, touch the small of her back or speak deeply into her ear in just the right way?

These things come naturally to me…All I can think is, because sex is such a driving force in my life, it means something to GOD that I’ve been able to sacrifice it to Him.

I love women’s bodies. I love how they look, how they feel pressed close to me and I really love the idea of sex.

But I love GOD more…

And yes, I’m tired of waiting…so what’s up with your homegirl?

Any thoughts?

A Valentine Day's card from Julia & Paul Child! How erotic and innocent at the same time! Who woulda thunk it?

Hello World!!!

So a few posts back, I lamented over the fact that I had writer’s block and couldn’t think of a thing to blog about. I also wrote about the fact that I have neglected one of the two basic tools that I learned about when I took a class on The Artist’s Way some years ago. The basic tool that I am referring to is the artist date. An artist date is a “block of time, perhaps two hours weekly, especially set aside and committed to nurturing your creative consciousness, your inner artist.” And as a rule, you must be alone with “your artist” on the date – that means no boyfriends, children, etc.  According to the principles of the “The Artist’s Way, ” a book written by Julia Cameron, you can actually “hear” solutions to problems that your inner artist may have considering…

So all of that to say, my artist and I (read Jackie by her lonesome) decided to see the movie “Julie & Julia” Saturday night. We LOVED it!!! This movie is about Julie Powell’s quest to discover herself as she approaches her thirtieth birthday (I cannot believe I will be 36 years old in a few weeks…GULP).  The frustrated writer, at the suggestion of her so supportive husband, decides to start blogging.  (Something sounds sooo familiar…) Unsure of what to blog about, she decides to blog about her quest to cook her way through Julia Child’s book “Mastering the Art of French Cooking.”  She decides she will cook all of the recipes in a year! A gutsy and innovative task to say the least!

There were so many aspects of the film that captured me. First of all, as someone who really enjoys eating, I was enthralled with that aspect of the movie…I think it is entirely possible to experience heaven in your mouth!  I also know what it’s like to feel frustrated as a writer. While I have wanted to be a “writer” since I was six years old, I still don’t feel quite successful…Yes, I have written for magazines, newspapers, Web sites, etc., but I have yet to achieve my ultimate dream of becoming a published book author. (Yes, I know I can self publish…I don’t wanna – read: whine, whine, rant, rant.) I was especially encouraged that Julia’s blogging eventually resulted in a book deal! (Oh God, please let happen to me…) But I was most captivated by the illumination of Julia Child’s marriage in the movie.

While Julie’s blogging provided the framework for the movie, the movie was also a biography of Julia Child’s life and went back and forth between the lives of the two women. The marriages of both women were explored in the movie, but Julia Child’s marriage was most surprising…I don’t think I ever tried to watch Julia Child on television but I do vaguely remember seeing her on television and seeing others imitate her as well. Remember when Cliff Huxtable imitated her on “The Cosby Show?” With her weird voice, box-shaped body, looming height and boring hairstyle, one would have guessed that she wasn’t married…Or at least I did.

But not only was she married, Julia and her husband Paul Child had a hot and sweaty love life…(Sidebar: Have I mentioned Meryl Streep yet? She is my favorite actress at this point! She literally becomes each character that she plays. Her depiction of Julia Child is brilliant.)  Apparently, the two married when she was in her mid ’30s…They lived in Paris for a while as her husband was stationed there as an employee of the U.S. Department of State. While in Paris, Julia attended the famous Le Cordon Bleu cooking school and subsequently decided to write a French cooking book in English. Her maddening struggle to write the book and find a publisher for the book also resonated with me.

By the end of the movie, my artist was very happy. From the movie, I learned that it is possible to get a book deal from a blog(oh pleazz, God!), one does not always have to be a frustrated writer, there is somebody out there for everyone even those that society may deem weird or unattractive and that I have no desire to cook an entree with more than 10 ingredients and or steps.

Finally, I bought yet another relationship book on Saturday night….(ugh!) According to this latest book, I am a latent commitment phobe – go figure…that does it! I have now bought my last relationship book….For some reason, over the past six years or so, I have become obsessed with relationship books…how to catch a man, keep a man, etc…I am so over it at this point.

Maybe if I get married, I will buy another one…but as a single woman, I am done with the relationship books. In fact, I told a friend last night that I may box them up and give them away. She said that she wants to look through them

As alluring as this book sounds, I will not be buying this book or any other relationship books anymore!

first…Aaah, I may not be ready to box them up yet, but I won’t be buying them anymore. This reminds of the time that I gave away my calorie counting books in my ’20s. I finally surrended my weight to God back then, and I haven’t looked back…(And if you are wondering, I didn’t get fat!) Maybe this is what my latest declaration is about…I’ll let you know.

Any thoughts?

Julia Child making an omelette…I think I can handle it…DKW doesn’t think so…

My Mom & Dad...

Hello World!!!

As of this Friday, August 14, my parents will have been married for 38 years!!! Congratulations to my dear ole Mom & Dad!!!

As the creator of this blog, I don’t mind sharing some personal details about myself but as a courtesy to my friends and family I don’t share much about them without their permission. However, I will say this: the stability of my parents’ long-term marriage has always been my safe haven. When the world has wronged me and I don’t know what to do, I go to my Mom & Dad’s house. They may not always know how to comfort me, but just their presence alone is like a balm for the weary soul. I thank God that He put my Mom & Dad together…

Sadly, from everything I’ve read and what I have witnessed around me, marriage is becoming a rarity in the black community. I think marriage is becoming more difficult for all races according to what I’ve read, but for today’s post, I will focus on marriage in the black community. In fact, this issue was highlighted on CNN’s “Black in America 2″ which aired last month. Soledad O’Brien, the host of the program, interviewed Nisa Muhammad about her organization, the Wedded Bliss Foundation, which was created to save  and encourage black marriage. Some grim statistics were shared on the program. In 1963, married couples headed 60 percent of black families, but that number has dwindled to half.

O’Brien was able to follow one couple, James and Tina Barnes, who were considering divorce after 21 years of marriage. The couple enrolled in the foundation’s eight-week Basic Training for Couples and were able to address their issues and remain married. I was especially touched by the couple’s eldest daughter Jameeca, a college student, who admitted that her grades were being affected by her parents’ marital problems. I don’t know her but I would guess it was the lack of stability that affected her the most. From what I have witnessed, marriage offers stability to children that enables them to explore the world around them but still have a safe haven.

Former Chief Justice of the Georgia Supreme Court Leah Ward Sears wrote a heartfelt column about her plight to end disposable marriage in the wake of her brother’s suicide. She felt her brother commited suicide due to the frustration he experienced in trying to parent his two children after a bitter divorce. Read an excerpt below.

Tommy’s loss has catapulted me even farther down a path I was already on. This may sound like heresy, but I believe the United States and a host of Western democracies are engaged in an unintended campaign to diminish the importance of marriage and fatherhood. By refusing to do everything we can to stem the rising rate of divorce and unwed childbearing, our country often isolates fathers (and sometimes mothers) from their children and their families.

…

Removing no-fault divorce as a legal option may not be the right way to move forward, and the solutions we need may not be entirely legal in nature. But answers must be found. The coupling and uncoupling we’ve become accustomed to undermines our democracy, destroys our families and devastates the lives of our children, who are not as resilient as we may wish to think. The one-parent norm, which is necessary and successful in many cases, nevertheless often creates a host of other problems, from poverty to crime, teen pregnancy and drug abuse.

Actor and writer Hill Harper (isn’t that a great name?) is also tackling the topic of black marriage in his latest book The Conversation: How Black Men and Women Can Build Loving, Trusting Relationships which will be released next month. On his Web site, Harper states that 34 percent of black children are raised in two-parent households when that number was 85 percent in 1966. (Hmm, the stats cited on CNN’s program and in Harper’s book don’t seem to match, but the message is still clear.) Through his book, Harper hopes to address issues that may have contributed to this troubling statistic. I heard Harper talk about his book on a radio program earlier this week. I was tempted to switch the radio station until I heard Harper, who is single, admit that he may be a part of the problem.

Harper plans to host free town hall meetings throughout the country for people to discuss the issues that are presented in the book and is looking for corporate sponsors. As a result, he is asking people to pre-order his book so that he can prove to prospective sponsors that this issue is important to many.

If you are in the Atlanta area and are looking for tips on how to attract and keep a good man or woman, you may want to check out this event…

Any thoughts?

P.S. I love this song by The Whispers…They don’t make them like this anymore…Maybe a part of the problem is popular music…Somehow songs like “Birthday Sex” don’t make me think about marriage and family…

Hello World!!!

Here are some subjects that I have been thinking and praying about lately:

1. My favorite bishop, the good Bishop Thomas Weeks from right here in the A, is engaged to be married to the Prophetess Christina Glenn…Well Hallelujah and Thank You Reality Shows! Apparently, the happy couple have been engaged for at least a month! How I missed this news I don’t know. If you remember, less than a year ago, he launched the reality show “Who Will Be the Next Mrs. Weeks” on his Web site bishopweeks.com to find a new wife. His second ex-wife Prophetess Juanita Bynum divorced the bishop about two years after he beat her down in the parking lot of an Atlanta hotel. When I wrote my original post about Bishop Weeks, I really didn’t think a woman would really date him after the much publicized incident between Bynum and her ex-husband, but I was wrong. Pastor, now called Prophetess Christina Glenn is excited about her upcoming nuptials to the good bishop!

Dear God, It’s no secret that many of my friends and I want to get married. Please help us to not want to get married so badly that we open our hearts and close our minds…Give us Your wisdom and insight so that we will wait for the ones that you have for us…In Jesus’ name, Amen.

2. Steve McNair & Sahel Kazemi…I’ve heard all about it. I’m sure that you have heard all about it so I won’t rehash the details here… What a tragic story…I’m sure that men (ahem cheaters)  like Kwame Kilpatrick, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford, former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer and former presidential candidate John Edwards are like it’s getting “hard out here for a pimp” after hearing this story…Is there another clause in the wedding vows of rich and powerful men like “I promise to be faithful unless the right ‘opportunity’ (a)rises” if you know what I mean…

Dear God, Does marrying a man with power, influence and money mean that eventually my man will cheat on me? Do I have to marry a man that is flat broke to guarantee that he will be faithful to me…help me to understand Lord…In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.

3. I am an Internet junkie always on the lookout for interesting sites, blogs, etc. Last week, while watching my absolute favorite soap, “The Young and the Restless,” I saw an ad for the Web site, outofyourlife.com.  Through the Web site, women can receive cash for an engagement ring or other jewelry that was given to them during a good relationship that has gone bad…This is how it works: a woman requests a Break-Up Box which she receives in the mail. After receiving the Break-Up Box, the woman places her jewelry in it and mails it back to the Web site. Once receiving the jewelry, it will be appraised and a check will be mailed back to her…I guess with our country’s high divorce rate, there is a sizeable market for such a service…But learning about this Web site has made me a little bitter. I haven’t received very much jewelry from men at all…My father bought me a beautiful diamond and gold nugget cluster ring when I was 16 years old, but he’s my dad so I don’t think that counts…A high school boyfriend found a gold ring on the track during a track meet once and gave it me…A college boyfriend gave me a gold ring with a little itty bitty diamond chiplet…The chiplet was soo small that I’m not even sure if it’s still there…Every once in a while I hold it up to the light, but I still can’t tell if it’s there…after that, zilch…and I’m 35…

He'd betta not...

Dear God, help me to not hate on women who have received gargantuan rings from their boyfriends, fiances or husbands…I know that I can buy my own rings if I want to, but I don’t want to..Lord bring a man into my life that will be buy me some jewelry… It doesn’t have to be the biggest diamond in the world Lord, but help me and others see it even if we’re not holding it up to the light…In Jesus’ name, Amen…

4. Are all romantic relationships open unless you are married? We can all agree that if you are married, you are expected to be faithful…But if you are not married, should you be in a “committed” relationship? For example, let’s say that you are in a committed relationship, but you are not engaged…What if you meet a really great person? Are you really supposed to not explore that option? Will one date kill you? And we’ve all heard of stories of people who were engaged and met “The One” before they married the other one?

Dear God, help me to know the One that you have for me…If I happen to be engaged when I meet that One, help me to dump the other one and move on…In Jesus’ Name, Amen…

This is more like it...who is that guy?

5. So let’s say that after all of my prayers, I finally meet The One and we get married…and then it becomes dull and uninteresting…what do married people do when that happens? Well, one interesting Web site has the answer. Through ashleymadison.com, married people can date…In fact, their motto is “Life is short. Have an affair.” Maybe the aforementiond cheaters should have used this Web site to have a discreet affair. It’s like E-harmony for married people it seems…you can search the profiles of over 4 million married members…how romantic…

And then You made man...

Dear God, when I do get married, please help me to have fun all of the time lest I be tempted to spice things up a bit by dating while I’m married…Help my man to be as fine as the day I married him forever and always…I pray that the sight of my man will always make me want to jump on him like Whitney did to Bobby on his now defunct reality show “Being Bobby Brown.” And Lord, if he is Idris Elba…maybe that can happen…in Jesus’ name, Amen…

Any thoughts?

Hello World!!!

It’s hot to death in the A, ain’t it? A few weeks ago, I was contemplating buying a row boat to get around it was raining so much and now ya girl is two shades darker and sweating at the most inconvenient times…God must be like, “I make it rain, y’all complain…I make the sun shine, y’all grumblin’…it don’t stop!” Ha, ha, let me stop trippin’ and complainin’…Thank God it’s sunny!

Okay, so last week, I was checking my home page at Facebook and one of my friends posted a most fascinating article, Crazy Right-Wing Myths About Obama 2.0: The Post-Inaguration Edition of Odd Things Conservatives Believe About Obama. Teleprompters! Hitler Youth! Satan!written by the Salon staff. Excellent piece! Wish I had written it!  The article includes an assemblage of ludicrous myths and the data to dispel them. So here are some of the myths they included…

• Obama can’t function without a teleprompter, even uses it for answers at press conferences.
• Obama’s stimulus provided cash for a “levitating train” between Disneyland and Nevada brothels.
• Obama is a socialist.
• Obama has created his own version of the Hitler Youth. And MY PERSONAL FAVORITE…
• Barack Obama is the antichrist!

So during the election, I heard whisperings from people around me that Obama could be the antichrist…after all, he descended on the scene without much of a warning. Cornell West said Obama “rose like Phoenix” in a speech at Morehouse last year. And anyone who has attended church for more than a year has heard about the antichrist and how he will mysteriously appear on the world scene…But I did not know there was a whole movement dedicated to this whispering…According to the article, there are several Web sites devoted to this topic such as www.barackobamantichrist.blogspot.com, www.obamaantichrist.blogspot.com and www.beastobama.com.

On obamaantichrist.blogspot.com, there is a post about Obama distancing himself from the observance of the National Day of Prayer. The author states this is a reason why Obama could be the antichrist. But then, the author confesses about worrying at point if past President George W. Bush was the antichrist in the same article…That’s just weird…So on the one hand, this author thinks that Bush, the creater of the word “evildoer” could have been the antichrist and on the other hand, the most intelligent president we’ve had in quite some time is the antichrist…Sounds like an illness a few pills may help! The title of another post is “Obama and the Pagan Aspects of the White House Easter Egg Roll.”

According to the article, the antichrist is described as “lightning from heaven” in the Bible which translates to ”baraq o bama” in Hebrew…Biblical scholars is that true? And the president’s limo is nicknamed “the Beast.” And finally, on the day after the election, the winning lottery number in Illinois was 6 _ _…(Yes, I’m crazy superstitious…I have a hard time writing that number out for any reason…) So is that enough evidence for y’all? I’ve said this before, and I will say it again: Why the black man gotta be the antichrist? We’ve had slave masters, adulterers, racists and warmongers as presidents! Why does the black man have to be the antichrist?

In other news, another one of my Facebook friends posted another article, “What Single Women Can Learn From Michelle: Would Most Type A Professional Women Have Dated Dated Barack When He was a Broke, Big-Eared Organizer With a Funny Name?” byJenee Desmond-Harris on the root.com. You can see where the author is going from the title. As we have all heard at this point, although our president was a summer associate from Harvard when he met our future First Lady, he was not the typical guy. He had a weird name. He was a community organizer. In one interview, President Obama said his car was so raggedy, you could see the road underneath the car. He had big ears.

The author states that many black women would have overlooked him because he didn’t have swag at that point in his life…Do you agree? I’m not so sure about that…Yeah, he didn’t have swag but he was a black man at Harvard…I wouldn’t pass that up – raggedy car or not…But I can see where the author is going…many of us seem to overlook the regular guy who may be going places for the guy who seems to have already arrived…My girls and I have been discussing this issue for a while…One of my friends, who is known to date men with impressive credentials, said,”Where would one even meet a regular guy,” or something similar. Funny, huh? She said this statement after another friend recommended dating “regular guys.” What makes a man regular? That’s the question to ask I think…If regular means hard-working, decent, intelligent, attractive, Christian sans the snooty attitude, I’m ’bout it.

But here’s another question: What Can Single Men Learn From Barack? As one commenter noted, are many Ivy-league educated black men checkin’ for that quintessential girl from around the way…? Or is it that once they have achieved that height, all they can see is white…y’all know what I’m saying…it’s certainly the move for many black men in power…Our First Lady is now known for her guns and style of dress, but I wonder if the same men that are praising her right now would be trying to step to her if they saw her at the light on Memorial Drive…She is smart and capable, but she doesn’t have Eurocentric features…so what many black men may need to realize is that smart, capable, assertive, undeniably black women are the way to go…As we’ve come to know, Michelle LaVaughn is the woman!

So to the “around the way girls” myself included, I post this throwback LL Cool J jam:

Any thoughts?

Tripped me out at the beginning of this video when LL said he was looking for a “regular” girl, not Ivana but Tawanna…

Hello World!!!

I just love this pic...sweet and sexy...

I’ve missed you…I intended to write another post last week, but life got in the way…But that’s okay…If you are artist, as I fancy myself to be, you know that your life is your inspiration and when it gets boring, your art becomes boring…Anywho, suffice it to say, I had an interesting week last week that I’m sure will be written about in form or another on this blog…

Case in point: As a friend and I were preparing to run four miles last week (we are training for the Peachtree Road Race here in the A), we discussed what what our careers would be if we had not chosen our current careers….I have wanted to be a writer since I was six years old and never gave serious thought to any other profession, but I told my friend that I would be a television show producer…

But as I was thinking about blogging yesterday, I realized that my initial answer wasn’t really the best answer…I think I would be a psychologist or psychiatrist…My father, who has a bachelor’s degree in psychology and a master’s degree in clinical psychology, has often said that he wanted to be a psychologist before he was called to be a minister. So I must have inherited this interest from him. At any rate, my father has also said that most people who become psychologists do so to understand themselves…That makes sense to me…I love learning what makes me tick…

For roughly the past five years, I have focused on learning about romantic relationships and why my romantic relationships have not last very long historically…As I approached my ’30s, I realized, like many other women around that age, that I would like to get married at some point, but I also realized that with my track record it probably wasn’t going to happen…I mean if you can only date someone three or four or maybe even six months if you try VERY HARD, then it may be unlikely to that you will get married…

So at first, I conducted informal surveys on my friends and family…Since my mother has been married since I’ve known her (ha,ha – a jokey joke), I asked her why she thought my relationships never lasted very long. She said she thought that I was a commitment phobe…At first, I said to myself she doesn’t know what she is talking about, but after doing an inventory of the loves of my life to that point, I started thinking that maybe she had a point. I had a penchant for liking guys that were “hard to get.” In other words, the more you didn’t want me, the  more I wanted you…Why would you chase guys that didn’t want to be caught unless you did not want to be caught either…Deep huh? And the guys who wanted to chase me I thought were insanely boring and weak minded. Even deeper…So that was my starting point…

A beautiful blended family...

Since then, I have talked to more people formally and informally to get a grip on why romantic relationships have been so elusive for me. I have also read numerous books. Just to make you laugh, I will post some of the titles here:

The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands by Dr. Laura Schlessinger – Interesting quote from the book – “Men are only interested in two things: If I’m not horny, make me a sandwich.”

Why Men Marry Some Women and Not Others by John T. Molloy – Interesting quote from the book- “The primary diffence between women who marry and those who do not is this: Women who marry insist on marriage. They settle for nothing else.”

The Sistahs’ Rules by Denene Miller – Interesting quote from the book – “The way to a man’s heart is through a great plate of greens. Old- fashioned yes. But trust me – as sure as the sky is blue and Brian McKnight is fine, black men are more apt to fall in love with a woman who can cook them up a nice meal.”

Keeping The Love You Find by Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. – Interesting quote from the book – “You will be able to break the repetitive pattern of past relationships; you will change the kind of person to whom you are attracted (and who eventually frustrates you); and you will be in a better position to attract someone who is willing and able to work to achieve a deep and lasting love.”

Falling In Love For All The Right Reasons by Dr. Neil Clark Warren (The E-Harmony Guy) – Interesting quote from the book – “Perhaps in no other area is it more crucial to be well matched than in the area of spirituality.”

Reading each of these books and others have given me insight into myself and others, and I feel blessed that these authors chose to write these books. (Excuse me while I whine for a bit…will my book EVER be published?…okay so back to the topic) And I have also read several interesting articles…And let me just say this…part of the reason why I have devoted so much  time to this topic is because I do want to have a long-lasting relationship one day but the other reason is that I just love learning about different topics. When I was in the fifth grade or thereabout, I was obsessed with learning about ghosts and read countless books about ghosts…At another time in my life, I was obsessed with reading biographies…At another point, I read books about slavery….So relationships are my current obsession I guess…

So back to what I was about to say about articles on relationships. Through reading one particular article, I have discovered that since I am a pretty anxious person by nature, and I have a tendency to sabotage relationships as a result because I’m always expecting the “other shoe to drop” so to speak…I read the original article back in 2007, but I found it yesterday on another person’s blog.

Anyway, at the end of the article is a link to a test that simulates a romance through presenting various scenarios in a relationship that happen over a period of time. By taking the test, Choose Your Own Adventure, which lasts about 15 minutes, you can determine the way you relate to others in a romantic relationship. I rated 6.61 on a scale of 1 to 7, with 1 being low anxiety and 7 being high anxiety. (Yes, DKW, I am very anxious!)

I'm sure she is not one to be played with...

So my mama is right!  Historically, I have been a commitment phobe…If you chase after someone who you really cannot be caught, maybe its because you know he or she can never get close enough to the real you to hurt you…

DEEP…

Any thoughts?

P.S. This is totally off topic…Okay, has anyone seen the video for “Blame It” by Jamie Foxx…Opie aka Richie Cunningham aka Hollywood power broker Ron Howard is in the video and so is the recently deceased Izzy Stephens from Grey’s Anatomy…Hilarious!

P.P.S.  Has anyone seen the “President Obama” spoof of the video for “Blame It?” Even more hilarious!

Hello World!!!

Although it’s Friday the 13th, I’m claiming that this day will be a beautiful prelude to the best Valentine’s Day ever…Can’t nobody love me like Jesus, but the love of a good man is what I am focusing on today…

I know this verse has been used on countless wedding programs, but I still love it so I will include it here…

His mouth is sweetness itself; 
he is altogether lovely. 
This is my lover, this my friend, 
O daughters of Jerusalem.

Song of Solomon 5:16

Here’s hoping all of us will indulge in a little sweetness tomorrow!!! Also, in honor of Valentine’s Day, I have decided to list my top 14 love songs…keep in mind that I’m pretty fickle, and this list changes pretty frequently…but this is what I’m feeling today in no particular order…

1. “Look What I’ve Got” by Betty Carter – I fell in love with this song when I first heard Carter sing it on an episode of “The Cosby Show.” Remember that episode when Vanessa and her girls wanted to form a singing group…Classic!

2. “I Like The Way (Kissing Game)” by Hi-Five – This song makes me think of 1991 when I was still in high school. Young love, young love…R.I.P. Tony Thompson! We love you!

3. “A Love Supreme” by John Coltrane – In the liner notes, Coltrane discusses his love for God, which is the true LOVE SUPREME, but I think the song is still a really cool romantic song…

4. “The Sweetest Thing” by Lauryn Hill – My girl may or may not be crazy, but she is still the dopest singer of my generation – hands down! I probably need to start praying for her again…

5. “I Like” by Guy- Nikki D. and I LOVE this song…It reminds of us of the day that we skipped high school and rode all through the A in a jeep with the top down…simple pleasures….good times, good times…

6. “Let It Flow” by Toni Braxton – Yeah, it’s a song about love gone bad, but we all know what Frankie Beverly has said is true…Joy and Pain are one in the same …

7. “Adore” by Prince – I know that Prince is out there, but he is still a sexy little man…Can’t nobody even compare…

8. “Scandalous” by Prince – This song is like butta baby…

9. “When 2 Are In Love” by Prince – Pure genius…

10.  “By Your Side” by Sade – When Samantha dances with that devil Richard on the roof of his penthouse as this song plays, I just melt…Oh yeah, I’m talking about one of my favorite shows ever, “Sex and the City.”

11. “At Last” by Etta James – Ms. Etta knows she was wrong for going off on Beyonce like that, but in a strange way, I understand…that’s her signature song…at least someone could have asked her first if she wanted to sing the song…

12. “A Sunday Kind of Love” by Etta James – People sleep on this song…This is what I want truly…someone I can go to church with and go home with and make it “do what it do…”

13. “A Song For You” by Donny Hathway – Although I love this song, somehow it always makes me a little sad for some reason…maybe because of Hathaway’s tragic and mysterious death…

14. “Could You Be Loved” by Bob Marley…Ain’t nothin’ like an island romance, and this song was on the soundtrack of my Island Romance ‘97….

I have decided to include the video for “I Like The Way (Kissing Game)” by Hi-Five…It reminds me of when life was uncomplicated, and I need to remind myself of that today…Happy Valentine’s Day!

Hello World!!!

Since Valentine’s Day is just a week away, I have decided the next two posts will be about dating, love, marriage – basically all things gushy and romantic…I love the idea of Valentine’s Day, but I’ve had very few that actually involved a significant other…oh well…

So since a movie version of one of my new favorite relationship books came out last night, I decided to also pay homage to the book – “He’s Just Not That Into You – The No Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys” by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo. This book is a must have in decoding guy speak and behavior when it comes to dating!  A lot of it is common sense, but sometimes, when you’re dating, common sense seems to be the first thing that goes out the window…Here’s my favorite chapter from the book, He’s Just Not That Into You If He’s Not Calling You. So the book is written like a series of letters written by women asking for dating advice from Greg Behrendt.  One woman wrote,

Dear Greg,

You’re dumb. A guy who I’m going out with who (who I asked out, Greg, by the way) is totally import and totally busy. He’s a music video director and travels and has long shoots and lots and lots of responsibilities. Sometimes when he’s working, I don’t hear from him for days and days. He’s really busy, Greg! Some guys are just really, really busy! Don’t you ever have really, really busy days? I’ve learned to live with it and not give him any sh&*,  because I know that’s the price I pay for going out with someone really successful and hot and busy. Why are telling these women to be so needy?

So here is Greg’s response:

Dear Nikki,

Good to hear from you again.  Well, not really. Listen Nikki. Really busy is another way to say “just not that into you.”  Totally important is another way to say, “you’re unimportant.” How great that you’ve “landed” someone  that even you think is out of your league. Too busy and important to ask you out or call you- what a catch. Congratulations on your quasi-relationship! It must feel amazing to know that you’ve been programmed into the super hot and important busy guy’s cell phone, even if he never uses it to call you. You must be the envy of every woman he’s really dating.

Ouch! I think Greg (see how I call him Greg like he’s my personal friend or something )mentioned in the book that if a guy doesn’t call you or contact you with cell phones and all the other communication tools that are available, he’s just not that into you. I mean unless you’re President Obama, men really can’t make the excuse that they’re too busy to call…And I’m sure that Barack calls Michelle every day when he’s out of town…she look like she ain’t havin’ it any other way…

Here are some of the other chapter titles: He’s Just Not That Into You If He’s Not Asking You Out, He’s Just Not That Into You If He Only Wants To See You When He’s Drunk and He’s Just Not That Into You If He’s Disappeared on You.

So in this post, I will give my own example of the chapter, He’s Just Not That Into You If He’s Disappeared on You. This is how I remember it happening. The year was 1996, the year I graduated from college. The summer after graduation as a matter of fact. I was partying on a Friday, I think, with my girls at some club…the name escapes me right now. It used to be where Vision used to be in the A. I think some new condos are in the spot now though…I was looking good. My hair was in the infamous Halle Berry cut. I had on my cherry red lipstick. Why I ever wore red lipstick is beyond me. I was tight in the way that only someone in their early ’20s can be. And while I was trying to act cool and dance at the same time, I saw him. Lawdy, Lawdy, he was fine.  He was tall, bronze and muscled with curly hair. All my girls had to give me dap when we exchanged the digits.

So I think we hung out once before it all went down. I think he lived in the Little Five Points area, one of the most artsy and eclectic neighborhoods in the A. I think he was some sort of artist. Anyway, he had a forest green Eclipse. Do those cars still exist? And we rode around the area in his car. And I was feeling it all…Y’all know I was! Anyway, we had a few phone conversations and decided to meet one night at Yin Yang Cafe, which is now Apache Cafe, I guess. (The turnover of clubs in the A is kinda sad…) Anyway, so I showed up and he didn’t….And he didn’t call again…Hopefully, I didn’t call back again, but I probably called back at least once…hey you live, learn, develop a healthy self-esteem, etc.

So I was so mad that I wrote a poem about it. At the time, I fancied myself a budding poet and read some of my work at different poetry readings around town. It was a very short-lived phase of my life actually. So I wrote this this poem and here it goes.

Anger Is A Great Liberator – written in 1996

Ever wanted a man so much

you felt your breath lessen every time he opened his mouth.

Every single time, you dialed his digits,

no matter, how matter-of-fact he sounded,

you pushed reason in the back of your mind

to make room for thoughts of biceps, triceps, curls and whirls in his forest green Eclipse.

At the monitor, to-do list easily in sight, yet you didn’t

and on the way home from work, you shook yourself to loosen his image from your head.

Walking in the door, no red lights, so you cooked dinner,

itching to do it, how soon is too soon to call?

Budget gourmet thrown to the side, taking strides to the phone,

how did you get here, pick it up, please, don’t let the number of rings reveal

how bad you wanted to only hear his voice.

Smiling, later dancing, he asked you out

to meet him in the center of a dark, jazz-filled cafe that you hoped served gratification for dessert.

So you sat at the table, made beautiful by a fake flame, smiling vacantly at the band…

while tapping your feet and moving with the notes

knowing that soon you would hear real music

as his masculine footsteps made his way to you…

Ummm, still listening to the band, now accompanied by a box-headed man saying

Your lips are smiling, but your eyes are mad…but yeah, can I get that number?

No…turn your head, the sexy dread-headed man with the guitar sustains your smile

But your eyes blaze with the knowledge that one, look down, maybe two or three hours have

passed.

And the eclipse hadn’t happened..he didn’t come.

But Anger came, with her strong, fiery curvy self,

moving against a red dress, she held your hands first,

then began to loosen the chokehold around your neck

while repeating, “If I didn’t come, you wouldn’t be free.”

“Get up,” she said. “And straighten that dress.”

You stood up, looked down to smooth the wrinkles in your own booty tight dress.

When you looked up, she was gone, but you laughed and said, “I’ll remember.”

You twisted out of the club, only looking back to see whose eyes followed you.

Two by two, by two, maybe even enough to fill an ark

“Naw,” you laughed. “Y’all ain’t gonna pimp me like that.”

You said to all the eyes.

The artist is emancipated and so are you

You got in your car, and sped down I-85

Anger is a great liberator

Even reading my poem now is therapeutic…so a few months after writing that poem, I went to a book signing for the great poet, Nikki Giovanni. While she signed my copy of her book, “Love Poems”, I quietly asked if she would take a look at my poem and tell me her opinion of my work. I wrote my address on the poem in case she wanted to send her thoughts to me later. AND SHE DID!!!  On Feb. 12, 1997, she wrote

Dear Jacqueline Holness,

Wow!  Anger is a great liberator. Good work! Keep it up!

Yours In Poetry,

Nikki Giovanni

Can you believe it? I still can’t! How perfectly sweet and generous of her! So there Mr. I-Can’t-Even-Remember-Your-Name!  I’m glad you never showed up because your standing me up inspired me to write a poem that Nikki Giovanni said was good.

Any thoughts?