Your Turn: A Closeted Virgin Speaks Out…

Hello World!!!

Guess what y’all?! It’s my second installment of “Your Turn,” through which people with interesting insights and views post THEIR stories on my blog…I’ve had this post for over a month now and because of my busy schedule and good ole-fashioned procrastination, I neglected to get this post up…Sooo here goes…Calling all virgins out there? Can you hear me? Raise your hands if you are a virgin! I can’t see anybody of course as I’m sitting at my computer, but I imagine there are very few virgins out there past the age of 22 or so…And if you are a Christian and have been since you were a teenager, you are supposed to be one according to the Bible’s views on premarital sex…But as someone who grew up in the church and have known others who have grown up in the church, I know there are very few out there…

But I do know One…And on the condition of anonymity, I convinced him to share his views on being a virgin well into his adulthood…and for the record, he’s not an ogre…he’s actually quite handsome, but I will let him tell you all about it in his own words…

 She was a walking rap video, with proportions so ideal that they seemed surreal. A living and breathing fantasy, her slim waist, curvaceous hips and perfect planetary backside made me shake my head each time I looked her way…

“Concentrate on her eyes…,” I reminded myself as she lay beside me, attentively waiting for the announcement that I promised to make. “Uhhh,” I uttered as I cleared my throat.

“When…when I was 13 years old, that’s when I became a Christian…”

“Yes,” she said, interrupting my words.

“And…,” I continued. “Well, that’s when I made certain promises to GOD to not get high or drunk and to not have sex until I was married.”

She laughed. “I made those promises too…

“Yeah,” I said as I looked her squarely in the eyes. “But I haven’t broken any of them.”

Silence.

“Wait, so you’re saying…Are you saying you’re a virgin?”

I was 30 years old then…I’ve had this conversation with so many women, both churchgoing and otherwise, and the reaction is always some kind of meltdown. It makes me reluctant to share it anymore. A few years ago, I wouldn’t have thought twice about specifically identifying myself publicly as a virgin, but the older I get, the more it complicates my relationships with people. People who aren’t Christians don’t understand. But I wouldn’t expect them to..

Church folk, on the other hand,..well, they say they believe this is right. But let them find out you’re a virgin in his 30s and they act like something is wrong with you. They either act like you’re the guy from “The 40 Year Old Virgin” movie or you’re just a freak – like you can’t choose to not have sex. In their minds, only two options exist: You either have to be a lame or a misfit.

Virginity is, of course, a complicated issue. I understand that. But I know a few other Christian men who are virgins (older than I am), and they’ve stopped telling church folk altogether…

These days, I often let people think I’m a lothario, as that’s generally what they assume anyway because of my ease with women. The only people who know that I’m a virgin are the women I date –and even they don’t know right away.

And it’s all because of these crazy reactions…For a while, because women in the church were so averse to this news, I tried dating women who didn’t go to church…

I think of the girl who fell to her knees, naked, crying. “What’s wrong with you,” she said as the tears flowed. “Why won’t you $%*@ me?” Or the stripper who found that she was aroused by a “dominant virgin” fantasy when she found that out that she couldn’t punk me.

And then when I did date church women, the response wasn’t that much better…They said they agreed with me on this matter but attempted to tempt me by degrees: “We don’t have to do anything. Just take your pants off…”

I reflect upon these experiences: all the women I’ve loved, all the women I’ve tenderly kissed and all the women I’ve just “made out” with…And somehow, I wonder what it all means…What does it mean that these women have passed through my life? What does it mean that women have learned to equate their worth and sense of power with their ability to grant or deny sex?

At times, I feel very alone in this journey. Occasionally, I feel disappointed in GOD. I wanted to be married by now. I did not expect to be alienated by church folk for obeying what they taught me. And more than that, if GOD wanted me to preserve myself sexually, then why does sexual energy come so easily to me? Why do I love women’s bodies so much? Why do I know how to kiss a women’s neck, touch the small of her back or speak deeply into her ear in just the right way?

These things come naturally to me…All I can think is, because sex is such a driving force in my life, it means something to GOD that I’ve been able to sacrifice it to Him.

I love women’s bodies. I love how they look, how they feel pressed close to me and I really love the idea of sex.

But I love GOD more…

And yes, I’m tired of waiting…so what’s up with your homegirl?

Any thoughts?

~ by jackieholness on August 29, 2009.

7 Responses to “Your Turn: A Closeted Virgin Speaks Out…”

  1. I love this…the women are passing through your life and not becoming permanent fixtures because they aren’t respecting your God and your relationship with Him. I can appreciate the fact that you love HIM so much that you will sacrifice your personal wants…desires…and I am sure that HE will reward you greatly…in due season. If there was one thing that I could change in my life, it would be that I had saved myself for the ONE man that God created me for. Although I have lived a celebate life for years, that is one gift that I cannot give to my husband…whomever he may be. Don’t be discouraged…hold on to your promise…God will certainly fulfill HIS in your life. Peace & Blessings

  2. Temptation is real for all Christian, single or married but it takes a strong man to resist being bombarded by everything sexual in our culture. You are a prize! Continue to lift Jesus up and He will reward you.

  3. Perhaps, the women you are dating feel judged when you tell them your status. Although it is not your fault, they are probably thinking: “Where does that leave me?”, “God would you really let me marry a virgin after all I’ve done?”, “Do I deserve this man?”, “Is he being for real or is this a joke?” When you give a woman information like that, they process it any number of ways and usually the enemy convinces them that they are not worthy of a good man, especially a virgin. You need a woman who is so confident in her relationship in Christ that your status as a virgin is not as important as your heart in Christ. She won’t feel offended, judged, or insecure about you being a virgin, but rather just keeps checking you out to see if you meet ALL of her standards. That may or may not mean being virgin. Also, based your post, I think you end up in physical situations that thwart your efforts to find the one God has chosen for you. Dating as a Christian is serious business, and I think you are playing with fire by focusing on the physical. The best advice I’ve ever gotten about dating is this: Men give and women receive. If you give off a sexual vibe, a woman is going to do one of two things: receive it or block it. The woman who is willing to block it and re-focus the evening on the spiritual and the mental is probably a keeper. In my opinion, the man who is willing to not go there or test me is a keeper. I hope this helps. Blessings!

  4. @Your Sister in Christ, you make some interesting points. It may be intimidating to date a male virgin, particularly when women are expected to be virgins and men, even Christian men, are expected to be sexually active or at the least – not virgins…but I think it’s unrealistic to think that one wouldn’t end up in a “physical” situation a time or two past the age of 30…We may be saints, but we’re still human LOL..nevertheless, good points!

  5. Well, like I said, Christian dating is serious business. Temptation is real but our response to temptation is what makes or breaks us. Romans 12:1-2 provides a solution. We are either in the world or in the kingdom. Our determination to be wholly in the kingdom is our saving grace.

  6. My friend, the anonymous virgin, wanted me to thank everyone for their supportive comments and seriously he is a catch for the right Christian woman!

  7. Oh my… if only your friend was ten years younger – I’ve been waiting for someone like me for a very long time! Not as long as him of course, but still, it sucks! :-) Are there seriously not more people like this?? Can’t find them anywhere!

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